My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
