I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
