So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
