highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
