I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
