Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
