I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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