how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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