Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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