my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
