I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
