She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
