I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
