So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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