My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
