i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
