oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think my vagina is haunted
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
