i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
