yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
