Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
