So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
