btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
