i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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