i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
