While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
