I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
