Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
