You're so nebulous sometimes
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
