I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
