Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
