You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
