Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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