This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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