I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
