I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
