Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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