Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
