this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
