You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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