i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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