And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
