I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
