I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
