I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
