Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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