Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
