We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
