Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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