i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
