foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He? As in you personified your dick?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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