i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
