Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
