I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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